Today, I realized what hurts and has hurt me the most in the past.
It’s one of those things that I’ve been pondering for the past couple days. And just now, it became clear: That feeling when someone shuts down the door on you and will never see you as family, as someone you can trust, someone you bring to family dinners, someone you can let in. It’s happened to be a few times now, and it’s a pain I can’t express.
I think it’s something I’ve suffered from for a long time and so when my relationships with people fail, it hurts more than it should. It has been a long struggle for years to feel like my close family is a family. It has gotten much better over the years but then it breaks apart in an instant, like it has just recently. It’s something I wished I had some sort of say or control over but I don’t and all I can do is still continue to be my best self, stay strong and hope for the best.
Since about age 15, I remember wanting to move out and get my own place, build a new environment for myself, an environment of peace, love, support and understanding. A place of belonging and happiness. A place of togetherness. It’s a place I’ve been longing for for too long, that was built over and over many times and lost many times over, similarly to a messy divorce times three.
A couple of years ago I fell for this man quite hard, probably way too hard for what he was worth. I thought about him everyday, loved him everyday, and even through a rough summer together, now two summers ago, which is hard to believe it has been that long already, I still loved him. It was unconditional and pathetic. It became pathetic when I realized the love was one-sided. He started shutting down, excluding me from his family and friends, reducing me to a pathetic piece of pottery he wanted nothing to do with. I wasn’t part of the family anymore. I was someone he was ashamed of, had to secretly fuck and treat like garbage.
Last Christmas, we were still seeing each other and I bought him a Christmas gift. He got me nothing, no money being the excuse. I don’t care much about the material things…I’m a simple girl, a kiss and merry christmas would have done it. I would have been the happiest girl on earth. Then, a couple weeks later, he revealed to me he was going to Australia to visit his ex-girlfriend he still had feelings for but who had a boyfriend and then said something along the lines of ‘but don’t worry, I still like you too’. Yes, that part still sounds like a joke to me.
I could go on and on about the stuff this dude said or did that hurt but it isn’t really the intent of the post. Let’s just say I went through this relationship completely blindfolded.
In September, I met this guy with whom I knew I shouldn’t have gotten involved with but did anyway. Hope and confidence were coming back to me, I started opening up to him about the things I desired in life, what I liked, what I disliked. I got carried away, unfortunately, holding on to an idea in my head that wasn’t fit with reality. The reality was that I wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready. Despite knowing I wasn’t ready, I was still willing to open my heart again. He wasn’t. I wanted to get to know him and make time for him. He didn’t.
But you know what hurt the most? The simple phrase that went along the lines of “I’m going to go have supper with my family now.” It sounded kind of like ‘good-bye bitch’, my family will always be more important than you ever will which to be fair, makes perfect sense. Family comes first.
It just made me realize that that family feel, that trust, I always long for wasn’t there. Hell, that basic friendship wasn’t even there. It was another door that was shut in my face, a feeling of rejection, not of the sexual kind but more of the ‘this is the circle of trust and you are not in it’ kind.
It sucked but hey the wiser side of me knows this isn’t about me and that this is just another lesson lived and learned.
Despite the many shitty things that have been said to me by the multiple people I have met and cared for in my life, I still wish them the best in life because after all, we’re all in this together even though most of the time we walk through it alone and think we are alone and sometimes, yes, need to be alone.