Lately I feel defeated without really knowing why. I still don’t know what I want or who I want to be. I have a full-time job, good friends, a roof above my head; why am I feeling like a lost soul again?
The number one thing that is throwing me off is my lack of focus. There’s so much I want to do and explore that I’m confusing myself and digging myself a hole of nothingness.
That inner-peace and bliss I’ve so often experienced has been nowhere in sight. Instead, it is replaced by an anxious heart and impatience.
I read this morning a story in the HuffPost on how to combat the feeling of defeat. I liked their suggestions: Writing down what you actually see/think is going wrong. I admit it: When one little thing goes wrong, it feels like everything is going wrong but that is usually not remotely the case at all. Our brain processes it that way, but in reality, it’s probably a tiny little fixable problem that’s causing us to see every little detail of our lives as wrong.
My second one thing that messes with my inner-peace, inner-strength, inner-balance, whatever you may want to call it, is my perfectionism, my high expectation of myself. Even my statement of having “a lack of focus” is a form of high expectation. Does everything really need to make sense in life? No, not necessarily. I find lately I’ve been beating myself up for the tiniest little thing. I put way too much pressure on myself….
All I need to do is choose: make the change or let it go. It’s a tough one, isn’t it? Because neither of them necessarily sound good or bad, but that’s the whole point I think, these two can swing either way. If a situation is worth the change, it could be the change of a lifetime, a chance I needed to take. But for me usually, it swings the other way: I just need to let things be, trust the process and see where it takes me. I have a hard time going down that road because I am someone who likes to control where things are going to take me. Control can be good but too much is never good. Enjoying the ride and opening yourself to endless possibilities is more fun. It`s like taking a leap of faith into the unknown and not knowing the end result.
All I know is two things: I like to write and I like to travel. But then my brain adds thing: “I’d like to write for TV, be on TV, go to Osheaga, go on a yoga retreat, maybe become a yoga instructor? No! I want to freelance and I definitely want to buy myself an apartment. I don’t understand the relationship I’m in. Is it working? When you ask yourself when a relationship is working, isn’t that usually a bad thing? But I like being around that person? But is that enough? I always imagined myself with a slightly older man…wait, maybe my friend who just got in a relationship was the one I truly cared for but now I will never know because I never had the guts to speak the truth…now it hurts….Ok I should probably go to yoga and work on some editing…”
I’m going to write down these problems of mine. I’ll probably realize there’s actually no problem at all, just solutions….