Commentary on willingness and determination

The other day I attended a TV Volunteer workshop and I suddenly became uncomfortable. I started asking myself why I was here because I had come to the conclusion that I was more of an aspiring writer than an aspiring cameraman. Throughout the workshop, I felt like I wasn’t interested in proving myself to others, almost to the point where I felt I appeared blasé, almost bored with my own self and uninterested in coherant social interaction. Frankly, it surprised me. I think part of me is scared to try something new. What if I liked it? What if I got good? But also, terrorizing thoughts like, “what if I overthink it and screw it up in a self-sabotage-y kind of way?

The first workshop I attended, I definitely caught on the infectious TV bug my friend Kaila had told me about: it’s fast-paced in the sense that there are multiple things going on at once, people are extremely friendly and the work is fun. You feel like you are part of a team; you feel useful and you feel like you can learn something new everytime you are behind a camera, in the control room or producing. And that to me is extremely valuable in any sort of work environment: if you feel useful and you feel like you are learning something new, it’s already a win-win situation.

Most volunteers are past journalism students from SAIT or Mount Royal or other universities and some senior citizens too. It’s quite a diverse group of people. This other journalism grad must have been around my age. She had the energy  and this can-do attitude I had when I was a student. Now, I feel disengaged and corrupted by the daily horrors of working in a windowless office for a year and a half.

I felt like a no-good dummy next to her. Asleep – I was asleep. The 9-5 routine puts your soul to sleep, I truly believe that! You forget about your creative ambitions, your life flow and life purpose. You forget how happy and exciting of a person you were, you forget what’s it like to laugh at yourself. You become a sad little pon in a little box in the sad little song “Little Boxes” by Malvina Reynolds.

Anyway.

Seeing myself asleep next to the more awake, the more enthused, made me sad. What had happened to the Claire I knew? Well, it was piled under hundreds of tiny little boxes that all looked the same.

I’m working on the pyschic show tonight.  Not sure what they’ll make me do yet. It’s apparently an easy gig. It reminds me of  Mindy Kaling’s first TV gig which was also on set a psychic cable show. How very funny.

I’m quite drained by the boredom of my day but I’m hoping the on set vibe will perk me up. I know my determination and willingness to succeed in a creative field is still in me somewhere. I’ve got to hold on to it because life was not meant to be spent in a dark cubicle all my life, that, at least, I am sure of.

Thoughts?

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