I don’t even know where to start. This day has been a rollercoaster ride. Heck, this past year has been one big giant unsteady shaky slack line. And in these past two weeks? I have probably felt every emotion on every spectrum that exists.
-First wave of emotion- Nostalgia
On this morning’s bike ride, I found myself right back where I spent my first five years in Calgary. The river was calmer than I’ve seen in decades, but despite the lack of activity around me, this wave of nostalgia hit me like a brick. This was déjà-vu, circa 2001-2004 – the hilly pathway by the Elbow, the swimming pool we spent our summers at, the shady BBQ spots, my first float, Sandy Beach, the walking home from school on the frozen river, our tree house, Rideau, the steep hill we slid down on our toboggan once ‘cuz we wanted to arrive at school in style (weirdos!), the first time we all got collectively grounded for staying out and about too late (12-year-olds be crazy!), the time I spent the night with my neighbour on whom I had a crush on, watching the stars in our sleeping bags on his front lawn. I mean, the list can go on, the memories are endless. Ironic how people from back then rarely remember my name or even know I went to school with them. I, however, remember almost everything…
-Second wave of emotion -Brokenness
Next thing you know, I am lying face down on my kitchen floor, sobbing big fat angry tears. It was a long time coming and I absolutely needed to feel this. The composure I’ve been maintaining for too long had to go, the act was over, vulnerabilty took over my entire body, curling me into a tiny ball of grief and despair. I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m angry that I got angry, I’m angry that I’m still angry. Did I mention hurt and angry? I make a quick phone call to a friend overseas who never sugar coats anything. He flats out tells me I have no confidence and that I’m too nice. Touché. I’m unsure how these comments didn’t break me more. Somehow, it lifted my spirits. I have learnt something. Honesty wins the day. Sobbing sesh is over.
-Third wave of emotion -Openness.
Life is way too short. Permanence is non-existent. We are temporary. Once this registers into our brains, we become fearless, we become open to receiving, open to new experiences. Our judgements are set aside, we live in the moment, we don’t think, we just feel. I have not felt this openness in a long time. I shy away from feeling. I absolutely hate the idea of being vulnerable in front of someone. Someone tries to get too close too soon? I’ll sabotage. Sad but true. If I have feelings for you, you’ll likely never find out. Pathetic right?, living in fear Iike that. Only took me seven years to finally confess. The person had no idea.
-Fourth wave of emotion – Inspiredness
I’m tired? The answer is yoga.
Yoga is my high, my fuel. It’s also a classroom of wisdom and wake-up calls.
Inspiration número uno :
We try to change people because of our own insecurities.
Touché. My insecurities were still kicking around. Mainly trust issues, trust in others and trust in myself. I’ve come to learn that people with their nose in your business are likely avoiding whatever is going on with them. It’s always easier to “fix” others and focus our energy on others’ problems to avoid facing ourselves entirely. True story. Ideally, we’d accept everyone as they are because when we learn to accept our imperfect selves, other people’s issues simply do not affect us. Whether we should let everyone in is another story.
Inspiration número dos:
We let our brains take over our lives.
From a very young age, we are told to think with our brains. We were wired to process everything with thoughts and to conform to society’s high demand of ourselves: get into competitive sports, get a degree, take on a highly respected career path, make lots of money, become famous, get a house, get married, make babies. With all those high demands comes a lot of thinking and a lot of thinking over what is wrong and what is right. The truth? There is no wrong or right. If we would simply let ourselves feel more, we would realize that that’s what only truly matters. What do I want out of my life? Who do I want to surround myself with? What makes me happy?
It feels safe to deny life and all the beauty it has to offer. It feels safe not to feel and not take a chance because we are afraid to get hurt. This ain’t a rehearsal though. One shot, one life. Like I told my friend on the phone, “let me cry, damn it. Let me feel. It hurts like a bitch but I’d rather feel than feel nothing at all”.