Disclaimer: Although at the time, these introspective, love-inspired, and sometimes visually intense and hilarious exchanges, felt very real and warm, I’ve learnt to realize that, even what appears to be the deepest connections through intellect, ideas and values do not necessarily blossom into fully-fledged romances. For one, we didn’t live in the same country, for second, we had only met once prior, and for three, I’m a dreamer and idealist with unrealistic high standards and a gullible marshmallow heart.
Let me tell you what it brought to my life instead:
–hope that there are people out there that GET me and know what STIMULATES my brain. That people can still access “deep” and are unafraid of “deep”; that I can connect with another human being on a level beyond the superficial.
–insight on the relationship I was in at the time. I was in my rental car in Nanaimo, getting ready to drive to Tofino, where I had rented a tiny house cabin for the week, when my boyfriend of a few weeks texted me. “I love you,” it read. I froze and drove away without responding back. The words hit me like a brick … and I was 1000 km away…
–creativity. Engaging conversation and colourful writing bring me to life. I spent one of the best weeks of my life, completely alone on the island, and yet, I felt whole and full of hope for the future, inspiration and creativity. And I mean, come on, the dude’s got some pretty vivid imagination!
–urgency. It made me realize how absurd it is to be weighed down by things we don’t enjoy in life. Live your life now, life is so short, don’t waste it.
“Maybe we’ve done this before, fell in love half a century ago when the world was one long driveway & we lived in a spindly tree’d neighbourhood in a small house where you curled into me naked on L-shaped sofas under a thousand throw blankets listening to nothing but the refrigerator & crickets doing calm little prayers outside, kissing each other & moving your hips in tiny little circles as you press your ass against me”
“Mmm…kissing. Kissing’s always good. I laughed at the precision of ‘L-shaped’ sofas. Haha, you’re great.”
“Yes, eating avocados & wearing heavy cottons in the kitchen & making out & saying drunk things to each other, smiling”
“You win at the smiling. I’m smiling right now.”
“I get swept away thinking about other stories we’ve lived, none of it seems long enough, I think maybe people that fall in love deeply enough bury time capsules in each other’s hearts”
“I believe it. Nothing else really makes sense and this does. Crazy how things go…”
“Love is such a wildly possessing thing & it’s odd & beautiful & stirs so deep in us & it’s crushing & intensely felt & deeply spiritual. When you roll deep on every level with someone, it starts to reframe everything you look at. Yes, Crazy”
“It’s actually my biggest life debate right now. I don’t know if I’ve been in love. Every relationship I’ve ever been in never felt mad and passionate….I feel like that’s how it should be but it’s always been practical and easy. I don’t want easy. I want real, intense and crazy…something that makes sense but none whatsoever at the same time. I’ve been with some great men, but somehow, there’s always been something missing…like my mind was elsewhere…keeps me awake at time, thinking there must be something wrong with me. There’s something bigger out there than relationships and ‘settling down’ and routine. Routine is men’s worst enemy. It lulls us to sleep. I crave the unknown. I’m rambling…I just got back from vacation from one of the most beautiful places in Canada and I’m already craving another adventure.”
“You’re not rambling & nothing’s wrong with you. You’re looking for something deeper. Some people call the wild out of us. People with stars & wandering & fire brimming in their eyes. People who realize how little time we have & so we might as well makes a mess of it.
A man should look at you like you’re lighting brimming in him, like a saliva oasis in the corner of your bedroom at night, tips of your eyelashes, tongues, wishing there were stars on your ceiling and your eyes are little curly seahorses lit up & swimming at me. I mean, you could go to dinner somewhere & sit & smile across the table at someone & make clever conversation & probably manage to have a really good time. But there’s so much more to be discovered & felt in someone else than a gorgeous smile & clever words. You could sit at the same table with me and feel neon layers of music pour over you & stare at me like we’re dancing and chewing on glow sticks at the bottom of your soul together and our hands and eyes are having affairs and our toothbrushes are at home undressing each other on porcelain squares and you can feel my atoms coming at you across the room”
“It’s true. There’s little time. We don’t have forever. Being aware of that is freeing…like there is no other way than live your life YOUR way. People are so caught up in societal norms, what is wrong from what is right.