Birthmarks

Words of long ago

Burn to the God of War,

And return as the King of Hell,

To imprint scars,

Shaped like birthmarks.

 

The newborn cries,

Not from fresh air bursting its lungs,

But from the birthmarks,

Soaked in black.

 

“The scars of the past,

Become the scars of the future,”

Says the Devil.

 

“Unless we break the cycle,”

Whispers the Angel.

 

 

I’m sending you love

I had a huge fight with my cousin two winters ago. We were both going through very tough times. We used to Skype a lot and talked about our projects, life, relationships. We confided in each other quite a bit.

We were pretty close when we were little and we remained fairly close growing up.

But that winter, we clashed. He came to Calgary feeling depressed. I was going through a huge bout of depression myself.

He triggered me with some of his lifestyle choices which I saw as extremely offensive. I swore I would never talk to him again. He triggered so much hurt and pain in me, that I used awful words of anger towards him.

I don’t think I had ever seen myself this angry.

The next day, he was gone on a plane to L.A. and we haven’t spoken since. I’ve had no desire to reconnect, no desire to have him in my life. The pain was too strong. The things he told me disturbed me too much. He surprised me beyond words of the person he had become. I knew him to be better than this. I trusted him. I didn’t understand what had happened to him. It frightened me and I told him to go.

And he did.

I met a girl here, in Greece, with similar issues with her cousin.

She told me she had chosen to keep her cousin in her life despite the triggers she had felt with him.

This made me reconsider where I stood with my own cousin.

I hope we can forgive each other some day as this pain has weighed on me for a long time.

I wasn’t ready to understand this pain and let go of my prejudices. I’m learning that we are all dealing with our pain the best way we can and know how. We all have childhood traumas and beyond that trigger us and that have shaped us into who we are today – perfectly imperfect beings who are wanting to be loved and understood despite our flaws, stubbornness and immoralities.

Cousin, I’ve sending you love deep as the blue of the ocean. Its vastness has been so healing for me. I’m sending you its deep blue intensity your way. I hope New York’s been good. Heard you finally made it out there like you had dreamed of. I’m so proud of you.

 

I know that I know nothing

The grass is always greener. In my case, it always seemed that way. Always wanting to be somewhere where I wasn’t. Always wanting to move away. Always struggling to stay in a relationship.

But the truth is, wherever you are in the world, happiness is an inward journey. I was unable to make this inward journey back home and I am struggling to make that journey in Greece.

It’s a process and I am learning.

I wake up feeling lost. Sometimes I’m able to gain momentum and clarity, other times, not so much.

I am meeting people that have created a shift. Some have made me feel less alone in my chaos. Others have triggered that chaos tremendously.

I’ve learned that growth is painful and uncomfortable.  Sometimes I want to run home and forget about this journey.

This time, I really need to stay. I believe I need to feel this pain to heal.

When I feel alone in this emotional mess, I think of J.K Rowling who was a suicidal single parent before she wrote Harry Potter.

Let’s just say this is my pre-Harry Potter J.K Rowling phase. Good things are to come. ;)

windy nights in kini

The wind crashes

Like the waves of the ocean

Onto my bedroom window

The mosquito buzzes

Into my ear

I’m wide awake, suddenly

I screw on my headlight tight

So I can write

Can I sleep?

Will I sleep?

Should I sleep?

Or should I keep on scribbling non-sense

Until I turn myself off

Like the bulb of my lamp

The heat of my stove

And the rumbling of my fridge