Impermanence

The subject of kids came up.

“You don’t want any?” she had asked.

“Likely not,” I had responded insensitively. Motherhood had never been a priority nor a life requirement for me. The biological desire comes in waves. But, the desire fades quickly when I remind myself of all the adventures I have yet to go on and the unconventional lifestyle I’d like to lead.

Plus, I’m unsure a baby would be the most responsible thing to bring into this world knowing my lack of steady income and my lack of faith in our crumbling tech-driven and nonsense violent and hateful world we live in. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up in a digital world, obsessed with their tablet at age 2, barely lifting their heads to interact or have a sense of interest for the physical existing world around them. Escaping the digital world seems like an impossible concept in this day and age.

Would motherhood be a beautiful thing to experience ? I have no doubt in my heart it would be. Will I experience it one day ? Only time will tell.

She looked away, saddened.

She had said simply, “Kids won’t be for me, unfortunately”.

And in that moment, I let her comment ring with me for a bit but I was too oblivious and distracted to have her elaborate on her response.

This was four years ago. We were colleagues. A new world was beginning for both of us as we were both newly employed airline employees.

She passed from cancer yesterday – a battle she’d been fighting silently for awhile. Little of us knew about it.

I remembered our conversation yesterday and begun to cry.

She knew of her destiny and she was bravely accepting it this entire time. I had no idea.

I didn’t know her outside of work but her passing touched me deeply.

It made me unbelievably sad to know that something I may not want is something that someone might have wanted were they given more time.

Life is precious. Count your blessings while you can, live fully and go after your dreams. Life goes too quickly. And some of us go too soon.

Rest in Peace.

Slowing down with a concussion

It took me getting a second concussion to slow my mind and body entirely again. I. Just. Can’t . Seem. To. Stop. Unless a brain injury or the likes FORCES me to stop. I never rest my brain, ever. I’m always doing , thinking , moving . I’m a freaking machine trapped in a petite woman’s body.

I’ve been laying around the dimly lit house for the past few days and the perspective I’ve gained on everything in my life is remarkable.

It is like therapy without seeing a therapist . It is a road trip to all your most cherished dreams without leaving the darkness of your own room. It is a reality check with no conversations needed with anyone but yourself.

For three days straight , all I did was sleep, eat and sleep . I slept over 40 hours these past few days .

Stepped into the sunshine today for the first time in what felt like weeks and I felt lucky.

I try not to regret anything in life . I’m a clumsy fuck . I should pay attention more to the little things in life . I forget how fragile we can be and how little it takes for us to forget where we are , who we are and where we want to be.

Life is short . Live it the best way you can . Don’t let go of your dreams . Live them , attain them , don’t lose patience and hope . Have a little faith and keep going .

But first, rest that brain.

There’s a cat on me. I think it knows I’m lonely.

There’s a cat on me.

I think it knows I’m lonely.

I gave myself a black eye

By falling on my face.

I’m laughing.

I’m not dead , just clumsy.

It’s sunny out

James Brown is playing

Last year I got too high

From that dumb volcano.

On New Year’s Eve,

I fell asleep.

A friend of a friend snorted a line

And drove me home.

Drugs are dumb

Booze destroys my spirit.

People are cowards,

They’re afraid to feel.

I might go for a walk

The sun is shining

Part of me wishes the ice at Glenmore

Would break underneath my feet

And take me for a frozen swim.

It’ll cleanse my body

It’ll be like a reset.

The more I write, the more I process

The more I feel free.

I’m going to get off my ass

And make peace with life.

It HAS been a beautiful year.

There is beauty in adversity.

There is beauty in this pain.

You have to find it, I tell myself

And you ought to laugh more.

And you ought to stop dwelling

On the stupid shit from yesterday

Because it’ll ruin the moment

And this moment is quite perfect:

I have a cat on me

It’s hugging me unconditionally

We are listening to Susto.

And there is no music as raw as Susto’s.

There is sun outside

I’m waking up from this nap.

Goodbye 2017,

You shook me hard

But I’m not dead yet .

Love is a verb

As per John Mayer’s “Love is a verb”, “Love ain’t a thing, love is a verb.”

I’ve spent countless lonely holiday seasons looking back at some of the expensive gifts that were bought to me from men that “loved” me. The gifts were never given from the heart but from the system that claimed this was the way to a woman’s heart.

These men never took the time to really know the real me, what I liked, what I disliked.  I was used as an ego boost and was often put on a pedestal.

People: love is in the small things. Spend time with your loved ones, laugh until you can’t breathe, pick up wood for that fire you’re building later, watch the night sky, paint the kitchen walls together, make food, and make love.

Why is it so hard for people to make love ? Hook up culture, count me out. I’ve been there, and let me tell you, no happiness was found. A quick rush, sure, followed by a big void.

I don’t want your engagement ring. I don’t care how much you make or the expensive shit you can give me for the rest of my life.

I’ll take a good conversation over all this other crap any day. I’ll take your kindness and your good heart.

I’ll take a walk in the woods over a trip to Disneyland.

I’ll take a night around a campfire over a day at the mall.

I’ll take small gatherings of close friends over an entire table of acquaintances.

Love is doing. Love is action.

Show your love, don’t buy it. Don’t get caught up in the system.

How are you showing your love this season ?

Tell me about your anger problems

It’s funny how you can’t help to feel like your problems are the biggest burden in the world and then you watch some crazy fucked up movie about rape, murder, police stations being blown up, people getting thrown out of windows and all the anger in the world gathered into a smart witty plot and your anger feels justified and you don’t feel as ashamed about your own anger towards injustices in this world, people hurting you psychologically, physically, emotionally and sexually.

You feel less alone in your craziness. You feel like your shit is real and valid.

“Get over it.”

“People have gone through worse shit.”

“Let it go.”

Then why is it that sometimes I can’t breathe at night, or in the middle of the day, I can’t remember what happened yesterday or five minutes ago, I binge on sugar until I puke, and can’t trust the words that come out of anyone’s mouth ?

People’s realities are to be believed. And the process will be long. And it took watching a movie at the theatre alone to feel less alone in my bullshit. The irony.

 

The Eel part 1

You were a sharpened knife

Ready to carve

Short and quick

Coward to the bone  

 At devil’s reach

 I became raw meat

Burst of cries and lies

An eel came to kiss me

I raided the closet

Never to return

I drove home once

Accidentally

I sat on a park bench

Transiently 

Craving for your warmth

I circled the mirage

Like a hawk

The ocean

You once or never were?

Five years too late

Your love letters mean nothing, asshole

Too coward to ever love 

Love yourself, will you?

 

Lost and delusional

I ended up among the steel birds

Where the sentimentalists

Made the ‘port  home.

The ordinary became obsolete

The 9 to 5 non-existent

Broken dreams became distant

The world was ours

Whenever we wanted it to be

Minds emptied

We rejected the shattered glass

The fortune cookie that fed us lies

The monopoly that told us who to be

And good souls we were

All of us,

For a moment

For a short time

Perhaps a lifetime

And good souls suffer fast

The picture of your daughter

In your wallet

Your happy demeanour

But your empty heart

The very same daughter

You were banned to see forever

We never fucked, thankfully

I knew it’d be loveless anyway

I won’t forget our fight

In our small hotel room

Our bodies touching

In the miniature bed we shared 

In Osaka.

Thought I’d see the chair flying

Only your temper came knocking 

Your father had passed

I pushed your buttons

Travel made us richer

But we couldn’t stand each other

And you, friend,

The disturbed mind of a poet

You mumbled out death

I screamed out life

And we formed a bond

Incomprehensible to this day.

You make no sense

Ever

But I’ll still be there 

At the Ship 

With a pint of something 

While you mix your usual beer-cola

What’s it taste like anyway? 

And then at dusk,

Our demons met our angels

I listened to your soul speak

On lonely nights 

with no travellers

Loud and belligerent you were

You lived fast 

and you might die young

But it didn’t matter

Because you lived for today

And didn’t care what they’d say

She married another,

I don’t think you ever recovered 

I’ll go for a drink , sure,

But what’s the point anyway?

Don’t I still remind you of her?

And you C,

You ran away from the isle

Death left you breathless 

You tasted the west coast first

And ended up breathing the mountain air

You get me, I get you

We don’t need a translator 

We communicate borderline telepathically

Don’t let another fool you, friend

You deserve the moon and you know it

One night on the road,

I blacked out

A freak accident

Shattered my skull

I drank at Jame’s Beach

Unknowingly 

My mind became fuzzy

My emotions amplified

I screamed nonsense

The blow was more severe than it appeared to be

A manager tried to fire me

For the “invisible” injury

And I loathe him to this day

For causing me more pain

Than my body could handle

You disgust me.

They say,

Forgive those that are not sorry

Well, I’m not sorry

And I’m not forgiven 

But nobody cares

The eel came to kiss me

That night again

When I met you

At a party

A curse you were and still are

Go away, leave me alone

I’m squinting real hard 

To see the meaning in you

I don’t see it

I see your pale face

My body goes into shock 

People believed your lies

The abuser hides well

Behind his innocent charm

Don’t believe it.

But you were all fooled

And I’m the “crazy” one, of course

And I fooled myself

The gut knew

But I didn’t listen

It wasn’t really a blow, my “friend” had said

It doesn’t count!

Every scream , every push, 

every “I didn’t mean to” hit you there, every lie, 

Every mind fucked

Twisted manipulation 

It all counts, dammit!

I won’t forget your screams 

When I had my concussion

You fucking animal

But no, you were “helping” me

And I should thank you

Take your shit and go

Ironically, the nice cop said 

“Go home”

And you stayed and smoked weed all day

With our good for nothing roommate

I ended up cleaning the dirtied walls

Because you were too lazy.

Lucky me.