Clarity on the island: my continued dilemma with my true calling

January 26

I spent a rainy day in Ucluelet today. Did a small loop hike to the Amphitrite Lighthouse then stopped for a London Fog at a local health food store/bookstore/coffee shop called Blackberry Cove Marketplace. Asked the presumed store owner the difference between a Pacific Fog and a London Fog. She informed me ”em Ukees’ like it a bit spicy and rightfully so – the Pacific Fog is done up with a shot of Irish Cream and apparently, the Ukee Chai Latte is mixed with a shot of espresso. Intrigued, I aimed to try the Pacific Fog but got a regular London Fog instead. Perhaps she thought I wouldn’t enjoy her Ukee concoction… The London Fog was foamy perfect and not too sweet, just how I like it. I sat down at the little bar facing Main Street while browsing a few books on hiking trails in the area. There are so many fascinating hiking trails, I’d have to come back to the island multiple times before I get to do them all….I did a tiny bit of the Wild Pacific Trail today but the bigger trail is much longer. I don’t know if I’ll have time to explore it this week, but the seaside aspect is definitely appealing. There’s just something about the sea that has always made me feel right at home….

I got back to The Wildernest Cabin early today wanting to isolate myself with a good read. The aim of this solo trip was to catch up on books and mags I’ve been neglecting to read and getting my thoughts on paper. The holiday season left me dry and with big and red swollen tonsils. Work’s been routine-ishly slow and life too fast-paced. I needed a break from the every day life, while, although great, has been lacking this inner-reflectiveness I often crave, that peace and quiet and the sound of the crashing waves on the shore…If I could work here, I would live here, no doubt. It reminds me of island life in Maui. The weather is mild, the rainforest is lush, the air smells of pine…it’s beyond perfect and endlessly inspiring. The more I’m in tune and surrounded by nature, the less I see myself in the fast-paced world. I’ve always been drawn to the creative industry. I have had several ideas of the type of creative industry I would want to get in, but I am still clueless and still uncertain. I told myself I would go back to school for fashion communication, and yet, I am simultaneously unaware and completely aware of how much I do not belong in that world. In fact, I hate a lot of things about it – the blogging fashionistas who think they are so stylish, when to me, they all dress the same, trends that revoke individuality and promote conformity, the fashion crowd who can’t even enjoy a fashion show because they are too busy Instagramming their own outfits, the high heels/the glamour…it’s frustrating that I could go on about why I hate the fashion industry and yet I loved the idea of pursuing a career in it. And that’s just it: I love the IDEA but does it fit with my core values, the kind of person that I am, the kind of people I want to surround myself with?

To me, the fashion world feels like a complete disconnect from my true self. Writing in comparison, feels so real, so honest, so freeing…somehow, I always go back to it. If writing IS my passion then why on earth do I want to make fashion my passion? This will always remain a mystery to me. Why am I still drawn to fashion despite not really being fit for the fashion industry?(fact: I don’t really care that much about looking super cute 24/7 (that does not mean I don’t appreciate a unique sense of style), I’ve never worn concealer, I have never dyed my hair, I don’t care about brands and beauty products and I think less is more. Is there room for someone like me in the fashion industry?)

Fashion, or style, as I’d rather call it, is something I can identify with/admire on a personal level, something I can see myself incorporating into my stories on a visual/cinematic level. Writing comes from a personal perspective as well, but somehow, I feel more strongly connected to it, like the stories I’ve created in my head need to be told and shared with the world rather than stay in my head forever.

Do I make sense?

Anyway, out to nature I go to be by the sea.