I’m sending you love

I had a huge fight with my cousin two winters ago. We were both going through very tough times. We used to Skype a lot and talked about our projects, life, relationships. We confided in each other quite a bit.

We were pretty close when we were little and we remained fairly close growing up.

But that winter, we clashed. He came to Calgary feeling depressed. I was going through a huge bout of depression myself.

He triggered me with some of his lifestyle choices which I saw as extremely offensive. I swore I would never talk to him again. He triggered so much hurt and pain in me, that I used awful words of anger towards him.

I don’t think I had ever seen myself this angry.

The next day, he was gone on a plane to L.A. and we haven’t spoken since. I’ve had no desire to reconnect, no desire to have him in my life. The pain was too strong. The things he told me disturbed me too much. He surprised me beyond words of the person he had become. I knew him to be better than this. I trusted him. I didn’t understand what had happened to him. It frightened me and I told him to go.

And he did.

I met a girl here, in Greece, with similar issues with her cousin.

She told me she had chosen to keep her cousin in her life despite the triggers she had felt with him.

This made me reconsider where I stood with my own cousin.

I hope we can forgive each other some day as this pain has weighed on me for a long time.

I wasn’t ready to understand this pain and let go of my prejudices. I’m learning that we are all dealing with our pain the best way we can and know how. We all have childhood traumas and beyond that trigger us and that have shaped us into who we are today – perfectly imperfect beings who are wanting to be loved and understood despite our flaws, stubbornness and immoralities.

Cousin, I’ve sending you love deep as the blue of the ocean. Its vastness has been so healing for me. I’m sending you its deep blue intensity your way. I hope New York’s been good. Heard you finally made it out there like you had dreamed of. I’m so proud of you.