I was a peg-legged villain

I was a peg-legged villain,

Lips the colour of Purple Rain,

Rocks wedged into my summer heels,

Heavy as Tin Man without a heart.

 

I would never steal another – no.

I could never get in the way.

You never had to worry girl,

I could never be that way.

 

It was impossible to place one foot after the other,

To make my descent onto the concrete tether –

The eminent ending of a decade of our youth.

 

I may be caught in traffic, yes, 

But I was more trapped in my darkness,

My perfectly nostalgic and passionate madness.

My hands were sweating profusely. 

Under the grip of my wheel, I ached anxiously.

 

I knew I was late,

But I wanted the past to linger, just a little longer.

I wanted the moment to progress, just a little slower.

 

I would never steal another – no.

I could never get in the way.

You never had to worry girl,

I could never be that way.

 

Never will I be bitter.

It’s a personal battle more than a heartache.

The heart alway knew,

But the mind rejected the truth;

For so long, I rejected my reality

Towards you.

 

I could never steal another – no. 

I would never get in the way.

You never had to worry girl,

I could never be that way.

 

Forgive me for my tardiness, my friend,

On your special day. 

I forgot how to drive,

The year was grim, my hair was grey.

 

Know that it’s a love that will never be

Because it cannot be so. 

The heart knew, but the mind said no.

The heart grew heavy – yes.

But the mind was stubborn so. 

 

I cry here tonight

Because I never lost you.

No. I never had you.

Because…

 

I could never steal another – no.

I would never get in the way.

You never had to worry girl,

I could never betray. 

 

I sit in wonder tonight

Because I never lost you.

The heart knew,

But it refused to acknowledge you.

Because…

 

I could never steal another,

I would never get in the way.

You never had to worry boy,

No – I refuse to love you that way.  

Setting boundaries and the power of the self

I have a hard time standing my ground, more than I realize. My throat chakra has been blocked for quite some time. I have lost my voice, or perhaps, never manifested it in its fullest expression.

Am I subconsciously wanting to please so much to the point of losing all my intellect when it comes to matters of my emotional and physical safety?

Do I care about my life? Am I oblivious to my surroundings?

Do I not believe I am deserving of the love that I deserve?

Do I not respect myself?

Am I a dormant doormat?

I feel like I am none of these and somehow, I still fall asleep at the wheel.

I become too trusting again and forget to be more alert.

And I truly believe the cycle will continue until I learn to fully devote my attention to my gut.

I am learning that my time is precious.

I am tired of wasting my time on people that bring me no joy, no exchange of the minds, no laughs.

The more I spend time with myself, the more I LIKE myself and the more I want to say “hasta la vista, y’all!” and hang out with my fun and inspiring self instead.

I am amazed at the things I can accomplish with a few books, a notebook, a yoga mat and a good imagination (could sound dirty but that’s not my point).

I don’t know why we spend our lives trying to please others.

Please yourself. It’s OK to be selectively social. There’s nothing wrong with being a loner. Loner doesn’t equal “loser” or “depressed”.

Conserve your energy. Take walks on the beach and read that book you’ve been dying to read. Turn off  your phone and forget about the external world and enjoy the internal bliss.

And most importantly,  forgive yourself. You’re never regressing – just growing, always.

 

 

 

 

I’m sending you love

I had a huge fight with my cousin two winters ago. We were both going through very tough times. We used to Skype a lot and talked about our projects, life, relationships. We confided in each other quite a bit.

We were pretty close when we were little and we remained fairly close growing up.

But that winter, we clashed. He came to Calgary feeling depressed. I was going through a huge bout of depression myself.

He triggered me with some of his lifestyle choices which I saw as extremely offensive. I swore I would never talk to him again. He triggered so much hurt and pain in me, that I used awful words of anger towards him.

I don’t think I had ever seen myself this angry.

The next day, he was gone on a plane to L.A. and we haven’t spoken since. I’ve had no desire to reconnect, no desire to have him in my life. The pain was too strong. The things he told me disturbed me too much. He surprised me beyond words of the person he had become. I knew him to be better than this. I trusted him. I didn’t understand what had happened to him. It frightened me and I told him to go.

And he did.

I met a girl here, in Greece, with similar issues with her cousin.

She told me she had chosen to keep her cousin in her life despite the triggers she had felt with him.

This made me reconsider where I stood with my own cousin.

I hope we can forgive each other some day as this pain has weighed on me for a long time.

I wasn’t ready to understand this pain and let go of my prejudices. I’m learning that we are all dealing with our pain the best way we can and know how. We all have childhood traumas and beyond that trigger us and that have shaped us into who we are today – perfectly imperfect beings who are wanting to be loved and understood despite our flaws, stubbornness and immoralities.

Cousin, I’ve sending you love deep as the blue of the ocean. Its vastness has been so healing for me. I’m sending you its deep blue intensity your way. I hope New York’s been good. Heard you finally made it out there like you had dreamed of. I’m so proud of you.