In his words: Jean d’Ormesson

“Do not let yourself get abused. Remember to be cautious. Even when there’s proof: it constantly changes.

Do not put too high neither people nor things. Neither should you put them too low. Yes, do not put them too low.

Rise above. Give up hate: it hurts the people who carry it more than those who are subject to it.

Do not try to be wise at all costs. Madness is also a form of wisdom. And wisdom, a madness.

Run away from precepts and excessive preachiness. Throw this book away. Do whatever you want. And what you can. Cry when you need to. Laugh.

I laughed a lot. I laughed at the world and at others and at myself. Nothing is really important. Everything is tragic. Everything that we love will die. And I will die too. Life is beautiful. ”

-Jean d’Ormesson | French novelist

translated from French as best I could 

And before, what were you? Don’t be a half.

And before…you were? What were you, exactly? Or were you ever? Will you still be, or want to be who you were always meant to be or will you die of indifference, lassitude and complacency?

a being, human, a person, a friend, free, whole, alive, happy, a free-spirit, awake, unique, sexual, an individual, a creator, a lover, a fighter, an explorer, someone who gives a damn, a traveler, in touch, a thinker, a pleasure-seeker, a researcher, a soul-seeker, self-lover, self-aware, a listener, a learner, a motivator, a breather, a mover, a feeler, an adventure-seeker, a shit-disturber.

The life inside you can only be filled by you and only you. There is no such thing as a half. You were always whole, you were never a half and never meant to be a just a half.

Wholes can co-exist, you know. We need not to diminish our wholes to conveniently fit with a half that’s yet to discover their wholeness.

Don’t believe everything you see. Feel what there is to feel. Be who you were meant to be. Don’t doubt the journey. We are where we’re supposed to be. You are who you are. Just be. Be whole. Be happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope that one day you will see how beautiful this life is

“I hope that one day you will see that this life is beautiful. And that instead of questioning every little thing, to just let  things be how they are.  I tried saving my dad – he will take his gloom to the grave. I tried *saving* my ex-boyfriends – they thought they weren’t deserving of my love, because they were incapable of loving themselves. I want people to see how great living is and how LUCKY we are.   
It’s more difficult lately because I’m the one in the dark and the only person who can lighten me up is MYSELF, no one else. I need to learn to let go to stop from being dragged. 

**a few parts were edited**

I was inspired by this msg I sent to a friend because it’s a msg addressed to him that became a msg for me also. It has double meaning, even triple. Nothing is directed at only one person, which was not my original intention. This is the perfect example of a situation where we feed ourselves our own advice without our knowledge of it at first.  This is the perfect reminder to love unconditionally, that hate is a waste of time and energy, to live fully and let go and enjoy the beauty of this life we often take for granted. But most pressingly, this is a great wake-up call to all the *rescuers* out there – you know who you are. No matter how hard you try to save somebody, nothing will change unless they want to make that change. The person worth focusing on is YOU and only YOU because YOU can make the changes you want in your life, no one else. Believe me, I have never hit what felt like rock bottom multiple times as I have in the past few months. And I honestly did NOT think I could re-surface. Slowly, my perspective is changing to a more positive one.  I give and give and give so much until I run on EMPTY. I get emotionally abused because I LET myself get abused. As a child, I didn’t know any better and so I believed for the longest time that giving but not receiving was the REAL DEAL. 

Today, despite a few slip-ups triggered by this emotionally-charged time, I CHOOSE to remain OPEN and still give love. Hell, I send love and compassion to my worst enemies that I don’t even see as enemies! This is the kind of person that I am and I don’t think that will ever change because I don’t want a few sad and angry people to change my perspective on life. Life WILL fuck you over, many many times. Do you let it hit you with  a big rock or do you catch that big rock and ACCEPT life as it is?

A touch of bravery

We rush for answers,

When we shouldn’t wait for hours.

We crave normalcy,

When all we need is a touch of bravery.

We sit down to think about our lives,

When we could be out there, on overdrive.

We want money and power,

When it’s only each other that we truly need and desire?

We limit ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally and sexually,

When we can experience it all, really.

We want to create without the blank slate,

When that blank state is what we need to create.

We censor our voice,

When we have the choice.

Let fear consume you,

And it will come back to hunt you.

 

Why we want to change people, and how we’ve been molded to think with our brains 


I don’t even know where to start. This day has been a rollercoaster ride. Heck, this past year has been one big giant unsteady shaky slack line. And in these past two weeks? I have probably felt every emotion on every spectrum that exists.

-First wave of emotion- Nostalgia

On this morning’s bike ride, I found myself right back where I spent my first five years in Calgary. The river was calmer than I’ve seen in decades, but despite the lack of activity around me, this wave of nostalgia hit me like a brick. This was  dĂ©jĂ -vu, circa 2001-2004 – the hilly pathway by the Elbow, the swimming pool we spent our summers at, the shady BBQ spots, my first float, Sandy Beach, the walking home from school on the frozen river, our tree house, Rideau, the steep hill we slid down on our toboggan once ‘cuz we wanted to arrive at school in style (weirdos!), the first time we all got collectively grounded for staying out and about too late (12-year-olds be crazy!), the time I spent the night with my neighbour on whom I had a crush on, watching the stars in our sleeping bags on his front lawn. I mean, the list can go on, the memories are endless. Ironic how people from back then rarely remember my name or even know I went to school with them. I, however, remember almost everything…

-Second wave of emotion -Brokenness

Next thing you know, I am lying face down on my kitchen floor, sobbing big fat angry tears. It was a long time coming and I absolutely needed to feel this.  The composure I’ve been maintaining for too long had to go, the act was over, vulnerabilty took over my entire body, curling me into a tiny ball of grief and despair. I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m angry that I got angry, I’m angry that I’m still angry. Did I mention hurt and angry? I make a quick phone call to a friend overseas who never sugar coats anything. He flats out tells me I have no confidence and that I’m too nice. TouchĂ©. I’m unsure how these comments didn’t break me more. Somehow, it lifted my spirits. I have learnt something. Honesty wins the day. Sobbing sesh is over.

-Third wave of emotion -Openness.

Life is way too short. Permanence is non-existent. We are temporary. Once this registers into our brains, we become fearless, we become open to receiving, open to new experiences. Our judgements are set aside, we live in the moment, we don’t think, we just feel. I have not felt this openness in a long time.  I shy away from feeling. I absolutely hate the idea of being vulnerable in front of someone. Someone tries to get too close too soon? I’ll sabotage. Sad but true. If  I have feelings for you, you’ll likely never find out. Pathetic right?, living in fear Iike that. Only took me seven years to finally confess. The person had no idea.

-Fourth wave of emotion – Inspiredness

I’m tired? The answer is yoga.

Angry? Yoga

Sad? Yoga

Energized? Yoga

Yoga is my high, my fuel. It’s also a classroom of wisdom and wake-up calls.

 Inspiration número uno :


We try to change people because of our own insecurities.

TouchĂ©. My insecurities were still kicking around. Mainly trust issues, trust in others and trust in myself. I’ve come to learn that people with their nose in your business are likely avoiding whatever is going on with them. It’s always easier to “fix” others and focus our energy on others’ problems to avoid facing ourselves entirely. True story. Ideally, we’d accept everyone as they are because when we learn to accept our imperfect selves, other people’s issues simply do not affect us.  Whether we should let everyone in is another story.

Inspiration nĂşmero dos:

We let our brains take over our lives. 

From a very young age, we are told to think with our brains. We were wired to process everything with thoughts and to conform to society’s high demand of ourselves: get into competitive sports, get a degree, take on a highly respected career path, make lots of money, become famous, get a house, get married, make babies. With all those high demands comes a lot of thinking and a lot of thinking over what is wrong and what is right. The truth? There is no wrong or right. If we would simply let ourselves feel more, we would realize that that’s what only truly matters. What do I want out of my life? Who do I want to surround myself with? What makes me happy?

It feels safe to deny life and all the beauty it has to offer. It feels safe not to feel and not take a chance because we are afraid to get hurt. This ain’t a rehearsal though. One shot, one life. Like I told my friend on the phone, “let me cry, damn it. Let me feel. It hurts like a bitch but I’d rather feel than feel nothing at all”.

Ringing in the new year & reflecting back on the one that went by too fast…

I always find it interesting that I get inspired to write when I hit all-time lows instead of all time highs. It’s like there’s so much turmoil inside me that I need to let it out. And the funny thing is, this turmoil is nothing bad, really, it’s just part of who I am…I don’t think I’m alone in this…we come to times when we feel we need to reflect on what’s been going on inside our brain. My brain? It’s buzzing at 100 Km per hour right about now. Is that a bad thing? No, and neither it is a good thing.

My all-time lows are mostly periods of uncertainty and temporary anxiety. Why do I feel this way? Should I feel differently? Why did I react like this? Why is this affecting me? What should I prioritize? Someone once told me my gut feeling is usually dead on and for some reason, even though I know deep down when something IS right or when something IS wrong, I second guess myself. WHY? I don’t know… I wish I had the answer for you. My intuition is usually right all along, no matter how much I want to deny it.

Perhaps I am just tired…I have a billion things on the go and the end of the year may have burnt me out. I was on an extreme high-on-life high for the months of November and December. I meditated throughout the month of November, which helped with the full plate of craziness…but I mostly partied so I don’t know if the meditation was done in the right frame of mind. December went by so fast, I can’t even believe we’ve already rang the new year and celebrated Christmas. Things are moving so fast, it scares me. I don’t even have time to sit down and think about any of the things that have been happening to me. Didn’t even have time to reflect on 2014…

Although I do like my newly-found social butterfly, I do like my introverted-self the best. That period of the day when I find myself alone, pondering, reading a good book, taking a bath, listening to music, writing… I don’t need much to be happy. A few candles, a notebook and a pen and I can spend my entire day being fully content with myself.

Back to why I’ve been feeling low…and again, I feel like I am not alone in this… it’s a mix of needing to regroup my thoughts and that rough first week of January…the cold, the shitty roads, the shooting in Paris, the shooting in Calgary on New Year’s…Is it just me or this new year is starting with not the kind of bang we had in mind? It’s been upsetting to say the least and has put a damper on my usually sunny self.

There’s this saying that goes, “It’s both a curse and a blessing to feel everything”. And THAT defines me completely. When the world is down, I’m down. When I see someone upset and down, I’m down. I feel absolutely everything, the energy in the room, the energy someone is emitting. When the energy is dark, I feel it, when the energy is bright, I feel it too. I feel so much for others and things around me that I end up living what they’re living. It’s been a tough one to override lately…my mind isn’t able to block out the emotional energy….

I was watching “One Week” the other night, this independent Canadian film with Joshua Jackson who is told he has stage 4 cancer. Two things really stroke a chord:

Number One: “If you had one week to live, what would you do?”
Number Two: “How do you know if you love someone?” The answer to that being “If you have to ask, you don’t”.

These three lines are so powerful, I don’t even know where to begin….

-Number One: If I had one week to live: I would spend it in nature.
-Number Two: I always knew I loved you.

I’ll let you ponder that one…

Back to 2014….

What a year, honestly! I could have not been more grateful for the people that walked into my life, the good AND the bad experiences I’ve lived, the friends and family that have been with me throughout all these years! I can’t believe I’m known my J-girls for the past 7 years already!! This year, I’m truly blessed and touched by the people who have inspired me to become a better and healthier person and go after my dreams of living a creative life. No matter how small or insignificant you think you may be, trust me, you are not, definitely not to me. I have learned so much from all of you, it’s the greatest gift I could have ever gotten… the gift of people who touched my soul, who I’ve seen transform, who have seen ME transform, people who are wise beyond their years, who live, love and learn, people who are not afraid of taking risks. Because really, life is all about growing, loving and living. Living life. That’s it, that’s all. You need to live YOUR life the way YOU want to live it. Don’t let the bad days get to you, we all get those…actually, BE grateful for those days as these are days we need for creation.

Life’s great, love life and life will love you back.

Be good to yourself this new year. I know I need to take my own advice on that one and stop being so hard on myself. When I find myself feeling low, you wouldn’t believe how hard I become on myself: why are you feeling this way?? You are NOT allowed to feel this way!, I tell myself. I can tell myself that all I want but what I really need to do is let myself feel this way. It’s allowed, it’s permitted, perfection is an illusion, you cannot feel HIGH all the time, although, man, I wish I did, because I love when I feel that way.

Anyway, Happy New Year everyone. May we continue this journey in the upmost trust and belief that it will be filled with love, success, and that dreams will become our reality. Don’t forget love also…because without love, we are absolutely nothing.

C.

Why we are unhappy :)

“We are unhappy because we resist the natural ebb and flow of life. When we find happiness, we cling to it, trying to orchestrate our lives in ways to make it stay forever. When sadness comes, we run away, we escape, looking for ways to avoid pain. The truth is this: Happiness comes and happiness goes, in the same way that sadness comes and sadness goes. Neither is a permanent state of being. When you’re happy, be grateful. Embrace it. When you’re sad, be grateful and embrace that too.”

-Rachel Brathen “Yoga Girl”