Setting boundaries and the power of the self

I have a hard time standing my ground, more than I realize. My throat chakra has been blocked for quite some time. I have lost my voice, or perhaps, never manifested it in its fullest expression.

Am I subconsciously wanting to please so much to the point of losing all my intellect when it comes to matters of my emotional and physical safety?

Do I care about my life? Am I oblivious to my surroundings?

Do I not believe I am deserving of the love that I deserve?

Do I not respect myself?

Am I a dormant doormat?

I feel like I am none of these and somehow, I still fall asleep at the wheel.

I become too trusting again and forget to be more alert.

And I truly believe the cycle will continue until I learn to fully devote my attention to my gut.

I am learning that my time is precious.

I am tired of wasting my time on people that bring me no joy, no exchange of the minds, no laughs.

The more I spend time with myself, the more I LIKE myself and the more I want to say “hasta la vista, y’all!” and hang out with my fun and inspiring self instead.

I am amazed at the things I can accomplish with a few books, a notebook, a yoga mat and a good imagination (could sound dirty but that’s not my point).

I don’t know why we spend our lives trying to please others.

Please yourself. It’s OK to be selectively social. There’s nothing wrong with being a loner. Loner doesn’t equal “loser” or “depressed”.

Conserve your energy. Take walks on the beach and read that book you’ve been dying to read. Turn off  your phone and forget about the external world and enjoy the internal bliss.

And most importantly,  forgive yourself. You’re never regressing – just growing, always.

 

 

 

 

I’m sending you love

I had a huge fight with my cousin two winters ago. We were both going through very tough times. We used to Skype a lot and talked about our projects, life, relationships. We confided in each other quite a bit.

We were pretty close when we were little and we remained fairly close growing up.

But that winter, we clashed. He came to Calgary feeling depressed. I was going through a huge bout of depression myself.

He triggered me with some of his lifestyle choices which I saw as extremely offensive. I swore I would never talk to him again. He triggered so much hurt and pain in me, that I used awful words of anger towards him.

I don’t think I had ever seen myself this angry.

The next day, he was gone on a plane to L.A. and we haven’t spoken since. I’ve had no desire to reconnect, no desire to have him in my life. The pain was too strong. The things he told me disturbed me too much. He surprised me beyond words of the person he had become. I knew him to be better than this. I trusted him. I didn’t understand what had happened to him. It frightened me and I told him to go.

And he did.

I met a girl here, in Greece, with similar issues with her cousin.

She told me she had chosen to keep her cousin in her life despite the triggers she had felt with him.

This made me reconsider where I stood with my own cousin.

I hope we can forgive each other some day as this pain has weighed on me for a long time.

I wasn’t ready to understand this pain and let go of my prejudices. I’m learning that we are all dealing with our pain the best way we can and know how. We all have childhood traumas and beyond that trigger us and that have shaped us into who we are today – perfectly imperfect beings who are wanting to be loved and understood despite our flaws, stubbornness and immoralities.

Cousin, I’ve sending you love deep as the blue of the ocean. Its vastness has been so healing for me. I’m sending you its deep blue intensity your way. I hope New York’s been good. Heard you finally made it out there like you had dreamed of. I’m so proud of you.

 

Starting from scratch

Moving to Greece was a big deal.

It meant I had to untie the many knots that kept me anchored to my city. It meant leaving people who meant a great deal to me. It meant leaving my comfort zone – my home for the past 19 years. It meant replacing what I knew with what I didn’t. It meant letting go of any expectation, big and small. It meant replacing the speedy highway for the gravel road.

Back home, I held a 9 to 5, helped on a local publication, and, on occasion, picked up some freelance work. I had a bountiful social life and have made some very dear memories with some of the best people.

But the truth is, I was burnt out. Burnt from work, burnt from starting from scratch over again from relationships gone south, burnt from moving from place to place within the constraints of my own city and not really feeling “at home” anywhere I went, burnt from being caught in the burning hands of capitalism.

I was tube-feeding myself with a glorified dose of “busy” – like most millennials.  I had become rigid and disengaged with my environment.

A month before packing up my life, I had no idea where I was headed, if I’d be going straight to another job or back to school. Greece sort of happened –  just like that. It came together so effortlessly, like magic.

While I was road tripping in New Mexico last May, an expat storeowner in Taos told me about Greece. He had lived in Greece for 10 years as a retail buyer, and that stuck with me, subconsciously almost, as I never jumped on the idea right away.  He drew me an impeccable little map to Arroyo Secco on the back of a receipt. He was incredibly helpful and eager to share his knowledge of the area.

“Travel is the best education,” he had said. I’ll never forget his words because I couldn’t have agreed more.

The past three years, I can honestly say I do not remember well. Everything is a little vague, yet, crystal clear at the same time.  Things are only slowly coming back to me now.

There are periods in time that stick out and periods where I feel I had my head down the entire time and watched as life floated by.

Summer of  2016, my cat died, I quit my airline job to go on a campervan adventure around the U.S. and Canada that never happened (see break-up), I worked the Calgary Stampede and cut my finger in half on the very first day, my car window got smashed to pieces, and, I broke up with someone and still believe, to this day, that it was one of the best decisions I have made in life. I know some of these events may seem trivial but sharp objects and glass have often symbolized upcoming change in my life. I’ve taken note of it ever since.

For someone who is extremely indecisive, it was the very first time I stood firm in my needs. What I wanted in life mattered. I had a choice. It was OK to say no to loving someone back just because they loved me. That mindset was no longer an option for me.

I wanted to no longer be in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. I was exhausted of taking care of everybody but myself. I wanted to go live my best life without unhealthy compromises and the feeling that I wasn’t really supported in my dreams and goals by the one person who was supposedly “closest” to me . I needed adventure and I wanted to experience all of it.

If you’re reading this, I don’t care how young or old you are, it is never too late to start again.  We still have time but time is always ticking. I wanted to live now. Not in 20 years, not in one. Now.

And I’m happy that, two years later, I’m finally on the road.

Unconditional numbness

What he gives you is nothingness. It is self-serving, a degrading form of lust – if you can call it that; a deep narcissistic outlook on life that disarms him from even seeing you as a human being. To him, you are a plant, a convenient body he can pleasure himself on. He attempts to give you any form of pleasure, but he fails miserably by being too forceful, too controlling, too…too out of touch to understand what he’s doing to you, to even care, really.

He finds you interesting but he preys like a hawk and he takes and he never gives. Never will he give. Never will he love, never will he be there for you. Never will he trust, never will he let his guard down, never will he kiss you and mean it, never will he want more from you, never will he respect you and see you for who you are. 

I call it unconditional numbness whereas all I have for you is unconditional loveliness. 

Ha. Let go or be dragged. 

I hope that one day you will see how beautiful this life is

“I hope that one day you will see that this life is beautiful. And that instead of questioning every little thing, to just let  things be how they are.  I tried saving my dad – he will take his gloom to the grave. I tried *saving* my ex-boyfriends – they thought they weren’t deserving of my love, because they were incapable of loving themselves. I want people to see how great living is and how LUCKY we are.   
It’s more difficult lately because I’m the one in the dark and the only person who can lighten me up is MYSELF, no one else. I need to learn to let go to stop from being dragged. 

**a few parts were edited**

I was inspired by this msg I sent to a friend because it’s a msg addressed to him that became a msg for me also. It has double meaning, even triple. Nothing is directed at only one person, which was not my original intention. This is the perfect example of a situation where we feed ourselves our own advice without our knowledge of it at first.  This is the perfect reminder to love unconditionally, that hate is a waste of time and energy, to live fully and let go and enjoy the beauty of this life we often take for granted. But most pressingly, this is a great wake-up call to all the *rescuers* out there – you know who you are. No matter how hard you try to save somebody, nothing will change unless they want to make that change. The person worth focusing on is YOU and only YOU because YOU can make the changes you want in your life, no one else. Believe me, I have never hit what felt like rock bottom multiple times as I have in the past few months. And I honestly did NOT think I could re-surface. Slowly, my perspective is changing to a more positive one.  I give and give and give so much until I run on EMPTY. I get emotionally abused because I LET myself get abused. As a child, I didn’t know any better and so I believed for the longest time that giving but not receiving was the REAL DEAL. 

Today, despite a few slip-ups triggered by this emotionally-charged time, I CHOOSE to remain OPEN and still give love. Hell, I send love and compassion to my worst enemies that I don’t even see as enemies! This is the kind of person that I am and I don’t think that will ever change because I don’t want a few sad and angry people to change my perspective on life. Life WILL fuck you over, many many times. Do you let it hit you with  a big rock or do you catch that big rock and ACCEPT life as it is?

Happiness is…

good company, sunshine, a nice walk along the river, honesty, a full stomach, lots of laughs, trying something new, being yourself, believing in yourself, being easy on oneself, a clean space, mutual respect, understanding, fairness, a warm cup of tea,  pen and paper, a cuddly kitty on your lap, fresh air, flowers, a really good book, experiences over material, love, fresh laundry….

The Capacity to Love

“The capacity to be alone is the capacity to love. It may look paradoxical to you, but it’s not. It is an existential truth: only those people who are capable of being alone are capable of love, of sharing, of going into the deepest core of another person – without possessing the other, without becoming dependent on the other, without reducing the other to a thing, and without becoming addicted to the other. They allow the other absolute freedom, because they know that if the other leaves, they will be as happy as they are now. Their happiness cannot be taken by the other, because it is not given by the other”. – Osho