Ringing in the new year & reflecting back on the one that went by too fast…

I always find it interesting that I get inspired to write when I hit all-time lows instead of all time highs. It’s like there’s so much turmoil inside me that I need to let it out. And the funny thing is, this turmoil is nothing bad, really, it’s just part of who I am…I don’t think I’m alone in this…we come to times when we feel we need to reflect on what’s been going on inside our brain. My brain? It’s buzzing at 100 Km per hour right about now. Is that a bad thing? No, and neither it is a good thing.

My all-time lows are mostly periods of uncertainty and temporary anxiety. Why do I feel this way? Should I feel differently? Why did I react like this? Why is this affecting me? What should I prioritize? Someone once told me my gut feeling is usually dead on and for some reason, even though I know deep down when something IS right or when something IS wrong, I second guess myself. WHY? I don’t know… I wish I had the answer for you. My intuition is usually right all along, no matter how much I want to deny it.

Perhaps I am just tired…I have a billion things on the go and the end of the year may have burnt me out. I was on an extreme high-on-life high for the months of November and December. I meditated throughout the month of November, which helped with the full plate of craziness…but I mostly partied so I don’t know if the meditation was done in the right frame of mind. December went by so fast, I can’t even believe we’ve already rang the new year and celebrated Christmas. Things are moving so fast, it scares me. I don’t even have time to sit down and think about any of the things that have been happening to me. Didn’t even have time to reflect on 2014…

Although I do like my newly-found social butterfly, I do like my introverted-self the best. That period of the day when I find myself alone, pondering, reading a good book, taking a bath, listening to music, writing… I don’t need much to be happy. A few candles, a notebook and a pen and I can spend my entire day being fully content with myself.

Back to why I’ve been feeling low…and again, I feel like I am not alone in this… it’s a mix of needing to regroup my thoughts and that rough first week of January…the cold, the shitty roads, the shooting in Paris, the shooting in Calgary on New Year’s…Is it just me or this new year is starting with not the kind of bang we had in mind? It’s been upsetting to say the least and has put a damper on my usually sunny self.

There’s this saying that goes, “It’s both a curse and a blessing to feel everything”. And THAT defines me completely. When the world is down, I’m down. When I see someone upset and down, I’m down. I feel absolutely everything, the energy in the room, the energy someone is emitting. When the energy is dark, I feel it, when the energy is bright, I feel it too. I feel so much for others and things around me that I end up living what they’re living. It’s been a tough one to override lately…my mind isn’t able to block out the emotional energy….

I was watching “One Week” the other night, this independent Canadian film with Joshua Jackson who is told he has stage 4 cancer. Two things really stroke a chord:

Number One: “If you had one week to live, what would you do?”
Number Two: “How do you know if you love someone?” The answer to that being “If you have to ask, you don’t”.

These three lines are so powerful, I don’t even know where to begin….

-Number One: If I had one week to live: I would spend it in nature.
-Number Two: I always knew I loved you.

I’ll let you ponder that one…

Back to 2014….

What a year, honestly! I could have not been more grateful for the people that walked into my life, the good AND the bad experiences I’ve lived, the friends and family that have been with me throughout all these years! I can’t believe I’m known my J-girls for the past 7 years already!! This year, I’m truly blessed and touched by the people who have inspired me to become a better and healthier person and go after my dreams of living a creative life. No matter how small or insignificant you think you may be, trust me, you are not, definitely not to me. I have learned so much from all of you, it’s the greatest gift I could have ever gotten… the gift of people who touched my soul, who I’ve seen transform, who have seen ME transform, people who are wise beyond their years, who live, love and learn, people who are not afraid of taking risks. Because really, life is all about growing, loving and living. Living life. That’s it, that’s all. You need to live YOUR life the way YOU want to live it. Don’t let the bad days get to you, we all get those…actually, BE grateful for those days as these are days we need for creation.

Life’s great, love life and life will love you back.

Be good to yourself this new year. I know I need to take my own advice on that one and stop being so hard on myself. When I find myself feeling low, you wouldn’t believe how hard I become on myself: why are you feeling this way?? You are NOT allowed to feel this way!, I tell myself. I can tell myself that all I want but what I really need to do is let myself feel this way. It’s allowed, it’s permitted, perfection is an illusion, you cannot feel HIGH all the time, although, man, I wish I did, because I love when I feel that way.

Anyway, Happy New Year everyone. May we continue this journey in the upmost trust and belief that it will be filled with love, success, and that dreams will become our reality. Don’t forget love also…because without love, we are absolutely nothing.

C.

Why we are unhappy :)

“We are unhappy because we resist the natural ebb and flow of life. When we find happiness, we cling to it, trying to orchestrate our lives in ways to make it stay forever. When sadness comes, we run away, we escape, looking for ways to avoid pain. The truth is this: Happiness comes and happiness goes, in the same way that sadness comes and sadness goes. Neither is a permanent state of being. When you’re happy, be grateful. Embrace it. When you’re sad, be grateful and embrace that too.”

-Rachel Brathen “Yoga Girl”

Head of an insomniac

It is 3 AM and I am fully awake. Next to me is my 16-year-old cat who has found comfort on the duvet.

When I`m awake like this, the only thing that can put me to sleep is writing what’s on my mind.

What`s on my mind:

-love vs lust
-going back to school for art history, for writing, for something!
-being an old soul
-older men vs younger men, does it matter anyway….
-my thoughts on society and how I feel my ideals differ significantly from others
-taking a leap in romance…. or going all the way through with my plans of realizing my true purpose in life, which I don’t necessarily think revolves around having kids and getting married or settling down and having a serious relationship. It is a hard one to swallow but I am a dreamer. The difference here is my dream does not revolve around an engagement ring.
-School of Enlightenment meet-up….sounds so intense but I am drawn to it, maybe I should go!
-yoga – OK, I have missed you
-writing, I have missed you like crazy. I don`t know why I stop.
-21-Day Meditation Challenge with Deepak – what a blessing! It`s given me a sense of clarity!
-Do I believe in love? Am I deserving of love? Am I scared of love?
-Grandpa, I miss you. It still hurts to look at photos of you. You were such a blessing in my life. I am glad I got to know you
-I miss going to class….I love learning.
-Hey, good lookin’
-Damn, I can’t wait for cruising in the Caribbean’s!
– I miss sex
-Iceland, it’s happening June 2015!
-I want to get published in Elle Canada. Time to pitch
-get knittin, get stylin’
-hey winter, we gonna have fun!!
– I actually want to get good at Swing Dancing. Right now, I have two left feet!
-Live life! Present moment, always!
-Taking chances!!! Playing it safe all the time gets boring after a while!
-books. I love reading….so much to read
-so much to do!
– soulmates, ah the topic of soulmates. Do they exist? I think there is more than one soulmate for us out there. But for me, it has to be someone who makes me shiver when they speak, someone who inspires me on all levels , someone who makes me believe in another reality, in my own reality. Someone who makes life fun and adventurous….
– I want to touch people with my writing…open my mind but open others` too, make people question their reality, have people chase after their dreams, have me chase after my dreams, interview people who inspire me and who can inspire others like me. This may well be my calling….
To be continued?….