Setting boundaries and the power of the self

I have a hard time standing my ground, more than I realize. My throat chakra has been blocked for quite some time. I have lost my voice, or perhaps, never manifested it in its fullest expression.

Am I subconsciously wanting to please so much to the point of losing all my intellect when it comes to matters of my emotional and physical safety?

Do I care about my life? Am I oblivious to my surroundings?

Do I not believe I am deserving of the love that I deserve?

Do I not respect myself?

Am I a dormant doormat?

I feel like I am none of these and somehow, I still fall asleep at the wheel.

I become too trusting again and forget to be more alert.

And I truly believe the cycle will continue until I learn to fully devote my attention to my gut.

I am learning that my time is precious.

I am tired of wasting my time on people that bring me no joy, no exchange of the minds, no laughs.

The more I spend time with myself, the more I LIKE myself and the more I want to say “hasta la vista, y’all!” and hang out with my fun and inspiring self instead.

I am amazed at the things I can accomplish with a few books, a notebook, a yoga mat and a good imagination (could sound dirty but that’s not my point).

I don’t know why we spend our lives trying to please others.

Please yourself. It’s OK to be selectively social. There’s nothing wrong with being a loner. Loner doesn’t equal “loser” or “depressed”.

Conserve your energy. Take walks on the beach and read that book you’ve been dying to read. Turn off  your phone and forget about the external world and enjoy the internal bliss.

And most importantly,  forgive yourself. You’re never regressing – just growing, always.

 

 

 

 

Clarity on the island: my continued dilemma with my true calling

January 26

I spent a rainy day in Ucluelet today. Did a small loop hike to the Amphitrite Lighthouse then stopped for a London Fog at a local health food store/bookstore/coffee shop called Blackberry Cove Marketplace. Asked the presumed store owner the difference between a Pacific Fog and a London Fog. She informed me ”em Ukees’ like it a bit spicy and rightfully so – the Pacific Fog is done up with a shot of Irish Cream and apparently, the Ukee Chai Latte is mixed with a shot of espresso. Intrigued, I aimed to try the Pacific Fog but got a regular London Fog instead. Perhaps she thought I wouldn’t enjoy her Ukee concoction… The London Fog was foamy perfect and not too sweet, just how I like it. I sat down at the little bar facing Main Street while browsing a few books on hiking trails in the area. There are so many fascinating hiking trails, I’d have to come back to the island multiple times before I get to do them all….I did a tiny bit of the Wild Pacific Trail today but the bigger trail is much longer. I don’t know if I’ll have time to explore it this week, but the seaside aspect is definitely appealing. There’s just something about the sea that has always made me feel right at home….

I got back to The Wildernest Cabin early today wanting to isolate myself with a good read. The aim of this solo trip was to catch up on books and mags I’ve been neglecting to read and getting my thoughts on paper. The holiday season left me dry and with big and red swollen tonsils. Work’s been routine-ishly slow and life too fast-paced. I needed a break from the every day life, while, although great, has been lacking this inner-reflectiveness I often crave, that peace and quiet and the sound of the crashing waves on the shore…If I could work here, I would live here, no doubt. It reminds me of island life in Maui. The weather is mild, the rainforest is lush, the air smells of pine…it’s beyond perfect and endlessly inspiring. The more I’m in tune and surrounded by nature, the less I see myself in the fast-paced world. I’ve always been drawn to the creative industry. I have had several ideas of the type of creative industry I would want to get in, but I am still clueless and still uncertain. I told myself I would go back to school for fashion communication, and yet, I am simultaneously unaware and completely aware of how much I do not belong in that world. In fact, I hate a lot of things about it – the blogging fashionistas who think they are so stylish, when to me, they all dress the same, trends that revoke individuality and promote conformity, the fashion crowd who can’t even enjoy a fashion show because they are too busy Instagramming their own outfits, the high heels/the glamour…it’s frustrating that I could go on about why I hate the fashion industry and yet I loved the idea of pursuing a career in it. And that’s just it: I love the IDEA but does it fit with my core values, the kind of person that I am, the kind of people I want to surround myself with?

To me, the fashion world feels like a complete disconnect from my true self. Writing in comparison, feels so real, so honest, so freeing…somehow, I always go back to it. If writing IS my passion then why on earth do I want to make fashion my passion? This will always remain a mystery to me. Why am I still drawn to fashion despite not really being fit for the fashion industry?(fact: I don’t really care that much about looking super cute 24/7 (that does not mean I don’t appreciate a unique sense of style), I’ve never worn concealer, I have never dyed my hair, I don’t care about brands and beauty products and I think less is more. Is there room for someone like me in the fashion industry?)

Fashion, or style, as I’d rather call it, is something I can identify with/admire on a personal level, something I can see myself incorporating into my stories on a visual/cinematic level. Writing comes from a personal perspective as well, but somehow, I feel more strongly connected to it, like the stories I’ve created in my head need to be told and shared with the world rather than stay in my head forever.

Do I make sense?

Anyway, out to nature I go to be by the sea.

Head of an insomniac

It is 3 AM and I am fully awake. Next to me is my 16-year-old cat who has found comfort on the duvet.

When I`m awake like this, the only thing that can put me to sleep is writing what’s on my mind.

What`s on my mind:

-love vs lust
-going back to school for art history, for writing, for something!
-being an old soul
-older men vs younger men, does it matter anyway….
-my thoughts on society and how I feel my ideals differ significantly from others
-taking a leap in romance…. or going all the way through with my plans of realizing my true purpose in life, which I don’t necessarily think revolves around having kids and getting married or settling down and having a serious relationship. It is a hard one to swallow but I am a dreamer. The difference here is my dream does not revolve around an engagement ring.
-School of Enlightenment meet-up….sounds so intense but I am drawn to it, maybe I should go!
-yoga – OK, I have missed you
-writing, I have missed you like crazy. I don`t know why I stop.
-21-Day Meditation Challenge with Deepak – what a blessing! It`s given me a sense of clarity!
-Do I believe in love? Am I deserving of love? Am I scared of love?
-Grandpa, I miss you. It still hurts to look at photos of you. You were such a blessing in my life. I am glad I got to know you
-I miss going to class….I love learning.
-Hey, good lookin’
-Damn, I can’t wait for cruising in the Caribbean’s!
– I miss sex
-Iceland, it’s happening June 2015!
-I want to get published in Elle Canada. Time to pitch
-get knittin, get stylin’
-hey winter, we gonna have fun!!
– I actually want to get good at Swing Dancing. Right now, I have two left feet!
-Live life! Present moment, always!
-Taking chances!!! Playing it safe all the time gets boring after a while!
-books. I love reading….so much to read
-so much to do!
– soulmates, ah the topic of soulmates. Do they exist? I think there is more than one soulmate for us out there. But for me, it has to be someone who makes me shiver when they speak, someone who inspires me on all levels , someone who makes me believe in another reality, in my own reality. Someone who makes life fun and adventurous….
– I want to touch people with my writing…open my mind but open others` too, make people question their reality, have people chase after their dreams, have me chase after my dreams, interview people who inspire me and who can inspire others like me. This may well be my calling….
To be continued?….

The Happy List

girl happy

I think sometimes we forget to sit down, breathe and remind ourselves of the things that make us happy. We easily get caught up in our heads, with work or with other things that make us feel hopeless, bored, or unhappy. We forget that there’s a simple recipe for NOT feeling down, bitter, tired, and uninspired. That recipe is to simply do things that make us happy. For me, it’s yoga… Yoga is my recipe to happiness. I practice it between 2 to 4 times a week and everytime I do, I feel re-energized, inspired and happy. (Drinking lots of water and mimimizing that chocolate intake would make me feel better too!)

The summer didn’t exactly start with the bang that we expected (a.k.a the Alberta floods), but that doesn’t mean we need to give up on summer altogether. Yes the weather has been annoyingly unpredictable…Just today I walked to an appointment in the warm sunshine and an hour and a half later, it was pouring like no tomorrow. Then it went back to sun. Between the floods, the fires, and the train derailments, it feels like we are living quite the apocalyptic year!

Apocalyptic theories aside, summer is here. Let’s take the time to get to know the things that make us feel good inside.

Here’s my happy list. What’s yours?

  • yoga
  • writing
  • my new comfy bed
  • Elle Canada
  • trying new things
  • feeling free and limitless
  • roads trips!!
  • heart-to-heart conversations
  • planning a trip
  • bookstores!!
  • patio time with friends or with a good book
  • hot weather
  • sun tanning in the backyard
  • volunteering
  • camping by the lake
  • the beach
  • my travel benefits (Tokyo 2013, here I come!)
  • saving for my apartment
  • traveling!
  • going for a massage
  • impromptu night outs with friends
  • doing my nails
  • music festivals
  • a really good movieI could think of a hundred more things that make me happy. Listening to my iPod on my way to work is one of them or enjoying my own company…a couple of hours ago, I was sitting in my yard. I was painting my nails and relaxing to the sound of the wind and watching the beautiful sunset.

    Life’s good. There’s beauty in everything.

    Cheers.